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[post_content] => The other day, my 81-year-old neighbor told me that he was taking a shower when, over the sound of the rushing water, he suddenly heard a combination of yelping and snarling noises. He immediately knew what it was: coyotes attacking his little dog. He ran outside, scared the coyotes away, and started tending to his dog’s wounds. Then his wife came outside. “She tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Honey, you’re standing naked in the front yard.’ Oops! So I was!”
A few months ago we moved to a rural area. It’s the farthest I’ve ever lived from other people. While I looked forward to having more land to do things like raise chickens and grow our own food, I was also concerned that I would feel isolated and lonely. Then I met this gentleman. A few days after we moved in, he introduced himself with an armload of tomatoes and zucchini from his garden. He noticed that we hadn’t mowed our lawn yet, so a few hours later he returned on his tractor and mowed it for us. He’s a master gardener and woodworker, and offered unlimited horticultural advice and the use of his tools.
Many times I’ve said to myself, “What an absolute treasure.” The same goes for many of my other neighbors, most of whom are at least a generation older than me. I’m reminded of my earliest studies in psychology, when I was attracted to the developmental theory of Erik Erikson.
Erikson theorized that humans move through eight stages of psychosocial development. At each stage, he said, we are presented with a challenge or “crisis” between two conflicting qualities. One of these qualities supports our growth and evolution while the other thwarts it. If we choose to adopt the former, we develop a
virtue associated with that stage.
In the first stage (Oral-Sensory), roughly from birth to age two, all of our basic needs are met by our parents and other caregivers. We are utterly dependent on others, and we are faced with the crisis of Trust versus Mistrust, which Erikson characterized with the question, “Can I trust the world?” If our parents are consistent, kind, dependable, and loving, we are likely to develop trust in others and a fundamental trust in ourselves. This leads to the virtue of hope, which helps us navigate the upcoming stages. If not, we are likely to become mistrustful of the world – seeing it as undependable and unpredictable.
For the sake of space, I’m just going to give you the nutshell versions of the next handful – until we get to the elder years. The ages given for the following can vary somewhat.
• Stage 2. From ages 2 through 4, the crisis is between
autonomy versus
shame and
doubt. The existential question is, “Is it okay to be me?” And the virtue presented is
will.
• Stage 3. From ages 4 through 5, the crisis is between
initiative versus
guilt. The existential question is, “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?” And the virtue presented is
purpose.
• Stage 4. From age 5 through 12, the crisis is between
industry versus
inferiority. The existential question is, “Can I make it in the world of people and things?” And the virtue presented is
competence.
• Stage 5. From ages 13 through 19, the crisis is between
identity versus
role confusion. The existential question is, “Who am I and what can I be?” And the virtue presented is
fidelity.
• Stage 6. From age 20 through 39, the crisis is between
intimacy versus
isolation. The existential question is, “Can I love?” And the virtue presented is
love.
Now we come to the age ranges of my amazing neighbors. From age 40 through 64, the crisis is between
generativity versus
stagnation. The existential question is, “Can I make my life count?” The virtue presented is
care. Erikson felt that during middle adulthood, the main task is to contribute to society and help guide and support future generations. Embracing this mantle makes us
generative whereas a self-centered life leads to
stagnation.
From age 65 to death, we face the crisis of
integrity versus
despair. The existential question is, “Is it okay to have been me?” As we become less productive and perhaps feel less useful to society, it’s possible to slip into despair, especially if we look back at our life through a lens of negativity, regret, or criticism. Alternatively, if we’re able to look back at the goodness we’ve enjoyed and shared, the ways we have served and accomplished, we experience
integrity and the virtue of
wisdom emerges.
Several years ago, as I witnessed the decline of some older patients who became bitter and sad, I began to recognize one of the primary fears of the elderly: to have nothing that the rest of the world values – being useless, wrinkled, irrelevant, confused, and a burden on others. And I thought, “What a horrible way to end life.”
But as I enjoy the company of my new neighbors, feeling anything but isolated, grateful to have healthy
elders as friends, I know such a course isn’t inevitable. These folks have clearly chosen
generativity and
integrity. They share their wisdom and worth with the world. And I believe they would continue to do so even if they were disabled and unable to help out, because it’s a state of mind, really. It’s inspiring and encouraging to know that such choices are available to me as I age, and that such individuals are available to help us navigate the way.
What has your experience of elderhood been? Are you an elder? What are your struggles and triumphs? Share your wisdom with our community!
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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We’ve had many clients ask us about the big question of whether or not to stay in a job that doesn’t feel right. It can be a challenging decision because sometimes it’s the job and sometimes it’s you. And sometimes it doesn’t matter whether it’s the job or it’s you - if you aren’t willing or able to change the circumstances and/or your relationship to them, it’s just not going to work.
Let’s start with some clues that a change is in order. Do any of these apply to your relationship with your work?
- You’re bringing negative energy from your work life into the rest of your life. Your work life is spilling over into - and degrading - your non-work life.
- You feel guilty or conflicted about aspects of the work you do, or how the company operates.
- You’re trying to isolate your career from the rest of your life (or from your own consciousness). For instance, you tell yourself, “It’s only my job” or “Well, it pays the bills.”
- You’re unenthusiastic, bored, or tuning out at work.
- You feel unable to fit into, and/or unaccepted by, the company culture.
- You dread going to work.
- You’re “phoning it in” or “half-assing it.” Or you start doing things to sabotage your work.
- You start making careless mistakes.
- Your work environment feels “toxic” - for instance, your coworkers or boss is verbally abusive or hostile in other ways, or aspects of the environment are causing harm.
The more of the above questions you answered yes to, the greater the likelihood that there’s a problem. Perhaps it’s time to find a new job. However, it’s possible that you just need a new perspective.
You might benefit from making a list of your “career needs” - that is, the things you simply won’t compromise on when it comes to your work. Be sure to distinguish needs from wants. For instance, while you may want an office with a lovely view, in actuality, if everything else were in place (for example: positive culture, opportunities to be creative, alignment with your values and purpose, feeling appreciated by your coworkers, good benefits, feeling safe and accepted, etc.), maybe the view wouldn’t really matter.
The valuable part about getting clear about your needs is that it makes the path forward easier. If you discover that one of your needs isn’t being met in this job, you really have just two options: (1) see if it’s possible for something to be changed so that this need can be met (2) find another job. When there’s an unmet need in your career (and, again, I want to emphasize that needs are absolutely non-negotiable), you’ll feel it nagging at you - even if you haven’t pinpointed it yet. If you don’t address it directly, you’ll likely employ a variety of indirect (perhaps even unconscious) ways to cause change - like avoidance, sabotage, half-assing it, blaming the job for your unhappiness, etc.
If, on the other hand, you determine that the job really does meet your needs, then the problem is something else. Maybe the issue is your own buttons or limiting beliefs. If so, the good news is you don’t need to start job hunting. You may need to do some personal work that could be at least as challenging as changing jobs, but this will serve you much more than switching workplaces.
However you decide to manage it, I’d like to suggest Sacred Expansion - a stand-alone portion of the Dragontree Life Coach training - as a powerful and effective way to know yourself, release baggage, and get super clear on what you want (and need). And hey, if you actually do want to change jobs, you might consider becoming a life coach. The world needs more people helping others to live to their potential, and our program is great.
I invite you to speak to one of our Life Coaches to help guide you to find work that inspires you, how to create peace in the job you currently have.
Next time I’ll talk about some ways to change how you’re showing up. I definitely don’t want you to stay in a workplace that’s harmful to you, but if it’s merely not everything you want it to be, there’s an opportunity to engage your power of choice and make it something different.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => 9 Signals that You’re Not In Love With Your Job (And what to do next...)
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[post_content] => A patient last week told me a story I’ve heard many times in many forms. She started experiencing chest pain that radiated down her left arm. She went to the hospital. There was nothing wrong with her that any test could reveal. She wasn’t having panic attacks and her heart was fine. She went from practitioner to practitioner before someone finally figured it out: it was muscular. In other forms of this story the symptom is abdominal pain, or diarrhea, or sinus congestion, or painful intercourse, or ear ringing, or acid reflux, but the common thread is that multiple doctors failed to consider that the origin was structural.
Often, these mystery symptoms – along with most cases of muscle pain – are caused by a phenomenon known as “myofascial trigger points,” and I believe everyone should know what they are and how they work. I’ve written about trigger points in the past, but I feel moved to explain some of the basics again because this concept remains largely unknown to both practitioners and laypeople. It’s not exactly a fringe idea either – it was developed primarily by President Kennedy’s personal doctor, Janet Travell (the first female White House physician, by the way), whom he credited with saving his political career after she cured his back pain. Her first journal article on the subject was published over 60 years ago.
What exactly is a “myofascial trigger point” anyway? Basically, a trigger point is a small, irritable region in a muscle (or the surrounding connective tissue – “fascia”) that stays stuck in a contracted state and can produce pain, other sensory changes, tightness, and dysfunction. A unique property of trigger points is that they’re able to produce symptoms in other parts of the body – from a few inches to a couple feet away. One of the most valuable contributions of Travell’s work was to map out hundreds common locations of trigger points and their referral patterns – i.e., where they produce symptoms.
If you know where to look for trigger points that could be implicated in an issue, it’s usually pretty quick and straightforward to determine if this is the cause. And if so, you can often fix them yourself.
How do trigger points form?
There are a handful of mechanisms that can promote trigger point formation, such as irritation of nerves, chronic organ problems, nutritional deficiencies, and autoimmune disorders. More often, though, the cause is trauma to our connective tissue. When a muscle is strained by being worked too hard, too fast, or beyond its natural range, there is frequently a sort of “recoil” that occurs as segments of the muscle fibers bunch up and remain that way. This is common in people who work out without warming up, or who suddenly do a very ambitious workout after having not exercised for a year. Even more commonly, the trauma is a form of “postural stress” that’s demanding on muscles in a way that’s difficult to perceive at the time – such as doing the same relatively motionless activity (like sitting at a desk or driving) for hours, days, months, or years.
A muscle contracts through the action of nerve impulses – electrical signals that deliver the command to shorten. These impulses stream into the muscle for as long as we wish to hold this contraction. The impulses aren’t distributed throughout the muscle in an even way, though, and the muscle “belly” (the bulky contractile part) becomes slightly twisted during each contraction.
This isn’t usually a problem if we’re doing repeated isotonic contractions. Isotonic contractions are where the muscle causes movement and it alternately shortens and lengthens, working and relaxing. The issue lies more in prolonged isometric contraction or “static” contraction. That’s where a muscle stays contracted without movement – like the way you hold your arms up for hours while typing or driving. The muscle is under constant pressure and the continuous stream of nerve impulses produces a sustained deformation of the muscle belly.
I need a little more science to explain what happens next, so get ready. Over time, the ongoing tension and twisting of the muscle fibers causes an elevation in the resting muscle tone – that is, eventually, the muscle never completely relaxes. It’s always a bit contracted, meaning a bit shortened, and therefore a bit taut. This tightness causes local vasoconstriction – the blood vessels are constricted – and this translates to local ischemia – inadequate blood supply to the tissue (the same thing that happens to heart muscle in a heart attack). The arteries can’t bring in enough fresh blood and oxygen, the veins and lymphatic vessels can’t adequately drain waste and deoxygenated blood. The tissue pH changes, local metabolism is impaired, and fluid and waste products build up in the area.
This combination of factors ultimately activates pain receptors – it starts to hurt – and when this happens you use the affected muscle less. Instead, you overload “synergists” – nearby helper muscles. The body makes the surrounding musculature tense as a protective mechanism. Meanwhile, there’s a disruption of the balance between the affected muscles and their “antagonists” – those muscles that lengthen when the primary muscles shorten and vice-versa (for example, the triceps is an antagonist of the biceps). Altogether, this restricts natural movement of the original muscle, which just perpetuates the imbalance.
Over time, this situation results in the development of trigger points. A muscle is composed of numerous parallel fibers and each fiber consists of many end-to-end contractile segments called sarcomeres. When they’re working correctly, they all shorten together when you contract the muscle and then return to their resting length when you relax. But trigger points involve a collection of sarcomeres that remain in a shortened, irritable state, which makes them bulge (often causing a palpable “knot”) and causing their muscle fibers to feel taut and stringy. Finally, with longstanding trigger points, the body deposits gooey lubricant compounds called glycosaminoglycans (GAGs) between these triggered muscle fibers, resulting in a gummy lump called a “myogelosis.”
Ok, enough with the big words.
The point is, there are tons of resources in print and online to help you locate trigger points and show you the kinds of problems they can cause. As for getting rid of them, the most basic method is to simply press and hold an active trigger point when you find one. After about 30 seconds, you’ll usually feel it soften. You can also press down the trigger point (with a thumb, fingers, or a tool) and then move the tissue, as if deliberately intending to re-lengthen this shortened part of the muscle.
Acupuncture is really excellent at releasing trigger points. Dr. Travell injected various agents into trigger points to cause them to deactivate, but later in her career, she began to realize that the most effective part of this process was simply jabbing the trigger point with the end of a needle. There wasn’t a need to inject any liquid; thus, this method became known as “dry needling.” She worked with an osteopath acupuncturist named Dr. Mark Seem who developed an acupuncture-based methodology for releasing trigger points in a holistic way – that is, while supporting the body as a whole to restore balance. (If you’re interested in trying dry needling, I strongly recommend you receive it from an acupuncturist rather than a physical therapist, since acupuncturists have an exponentially greater amount of needle training and a more sophisticated understanding of how to treat the big picture.)
If all of this sounds interesting and relevant to you, I encourage you to do a little research. It might well be the end of a problem you thought had no solution. And if you need more guidance, check out my online course, Live Pain Free, where I go deeper into trigger points and much, much more to help people get out of pain of all kinds.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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[post_content] => The other day, my 81-year-old neighbor told me that he was taking a shower when, over the sound of the rushing water, he suddenly heard a combination of yelping and snarling noises. He immediately knew what it was: coyotes attacking his little dog. He ran outside, scared the coyotes away, and started tending to his dog’s wounds. Then his wife came outside. “She tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Honey, you’re standing naked in the front yard.’ Oops! So I was!”
A few months ago we moved to a rural area. It’s the farthest I’ve ever lived from other people. While I looked forward to having more land to do things like raise chickens and grow our own food, I was also concerned that I would feel isolated and lonely. Then I met this gentleman. A few days after we moved in, he introduced himself with an armload of tomatoes and zucchini from his garden. He noticed that we hadn’t mowed our lawn yet, so a few hours later he returned on his tractor and mowed it for us. He’s a master gardener and woodworker, and offered unlimited horticultural advice and the use of his tools.
Many times I’ve said to myself, “What an absolute treasure.” The same goes for many of my other neighbors, most of whom are at least a generation older than me. I’m reminded of my earliest studies in psychology, when I was attracted to the developmental theory of Erik Erikson.
Erikson theorized that humans move through eight stages of psychosocial development. At each stage, he said, we are presented with a challenge or “crisis” between two conflicting qualities. One of these qualities supports our growth and evolution while the other thwarts it. If we choose to adopt the former, we develop a
virtue associated with that stage.
In the first stage (Oral-Sensory), roughly from birth to age two, all of our basic needs are met by our parents and other caregivers. We are utterly dependent on others, and we are faced with the crisis of Trust versus Mistrust, which Erikson characterized with the question, “Can I trust the world?” If our parents are consistent, kind, dependable, and loving, we are likely to develop trust in others and a fundamental trust in ourselves. This leads to the virtue of hope, which helps us navigate the upcoming stages. If not, we are likely to become mistrustful of the world – seeing it as undependable and unpredictable.
For the sake of space, I’m just going to give you the nutshell versions of the next handful – until we get to the elder years. The ages given for the following can vary somewhat.
• Stage 2. From ages 2 through 4, the crisis is between
autonomy versus
shame and
doubt. The existential question is, “Is it okay to be me?” And the virtue presented is
will.
• Stage 3. From ages 4 through 5, the crisis is between
initiative versus
guilt. The existential question is, “Is it okay for me to do, move, and act?” And the virtue presented is
purpose.
• Stage 4. From age 5 through 12, the crisis is between
industry versus
inferiority. The existential question is, “Can I make it in the world of people and things?” And the virtue presented is
competence.
• Stage 5. From ages 13 through 19, the crisis is between
identity versus
role confusion. The existential question is, “Who am I and what can I be?” And the virtue presented is
fidelity.
• Stage 6. From age 20 through 39, the crisis is between
intimacy versus
isolation. The existential question is, “Can I love?” And the virtue presented is
love.
Now we come to the age ranges of my amazing neighbors. From age 40 through 64, the crisis is between
generativity versus
stagnation. The existential question is, “Can I make my life count?” The virtue presented is
care. Erikson felt that during middle adulthood, the main task is to contribute to society and help guide and support future generations. Embracing this mantle makes us
generative whereas a self-centered life leads to
stagnation.
From age 65 to death, we face the crisis of
integrity versus
despair. The existential question is, “Is it okay to have been me?” As we become less productive and perhaps feel less useful to society, it’s possible to slip into despair, especially if we look back at our life through a lens of negativity, regret, or criticism. Alternatively, if we’re able to look back at the goodness we’ve enjoyed and shared, the ways we have served and accomplished, we experience
integrity and the virtue of
wisdom emerges.
Several years ago, as I witnessed the decline of some older patients who became bitter and sad, I began to recognize one of the primary fears of the elderly: to have nothing that the rest of the world values – being useless, wrinkled, irrelevant, confused, and a burden on others. And I thought, “What a horrible way to end life.”
But as I enjoy the company of my new neighbors, feeling anything but isolated, grateful to have healthy
elders as friends, I know such a course isn’t inevitable. These folks have clearly chosen
generativity and
integrity. They share their wisdom and worth with the world. And I believe they would continue to do so even if they were disabled and unable to help out, because it’s a state of mind, really. It’s inspiring and encouraging to know that such choices are available to me as I age, and that such individuals are available to help us navigate the way.
What has your experience of elderhood been? Are you an elder? What are your struggles and triumphs? Share your wisdom with our community!
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
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Such an amazing story Dr Peter! Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks, Dr. aQui.
Yep. Worth $400!
🙂 thanks, Sally
Thank you for sharing such a personal story! This is helpful to me so that I may begin my own journey of forgiveness. Even if it’s over and over again : )
You’re welcome, Julie, and good luck.
I’m glad this worked out for you. However, my 17 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver. While I don’t dwell on it anymore, (it was nearly 20 years ago) there is no way I can ever say I gave her willingly. My husband was not able to let go of his anger, and I believe that was one of the causes of the cancer he developed. I lost him 2 years ago. So, I am still working on myself and am trying to be the best me I can be, but forgiving the other driver- I don’t know if that’s possible. Incidentally, he walked away without a scratch.
Virginia,
I don’t have any quick or easy response to your comment, except to say that I send you love and good energy…from another reader and mother and fellow traveler. Love, love, and even more good energy.
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not another person. May you find peace.
Riveting story and priceless insights! Thank you so much for sharing.
I love this. Thank you! I went through something similar a few years ago. Long story short my good friend and roommate in Mdical School betrayed me and supported someone that was pretty much a stranger during a situation that I was clearly the victim in. I was very angry. We had words and we lost contact for years. All that time I thought about the matter constantly and I even had nightmares regarding the situation. For years I let it hurt me and affect my emotional well being. One night I decided it was enough. I had to forgive her. Not really for her but for me. I didn’t know how to contact her. Amazingly, she happened to send me a friend request in Facebook a few days later. I took that as a direct message telling me it was the tight thing to do. I accepted it, we started talking and we have even visit each other a few times. We didn’t even discuss the incident. We just let it go. The nightmares and recurrent thoughts completely stopped and found my peace.
Great story and very relevant. Stuart (Hi, Aqui!)
Your story put forgiveness in a whole new light…..sort of an odd gift to yourself!
Great story. I could visualize and feel the moments you described. It sounds as if self-forgiveness was really, in the end, what it was mostly about.
Interesting. I was just working on my 4th Step again. The one where I review my resentments. In my case – my coping mechanisms lead me to cut people off mid-sentence, and at the same time, to talk more than others might like. Both of these coping mechanisms hurt my relations with others and with myself. I feel it is the Great Wisdom that sent your emailed story. It encourages me to keep taking my inventory so I can release and heal.
I had someone rip me off for $1300 last year about this time. She bought a $5000 bed and only ended up paying $200. She wrote me checks as a “payment plan.” The checks bounced and then she closed her account. I keep thinking about it and getting angry. Especially all the times I tried to cash them when I needed money.
I am going to take those bad checks and burn them as a sign of letting go and starting the process of forgiving. Thank you. While working through the RfT book, I keep thinking, “I don’t have anything horrible that I need to forgive.”
I too had to make that very difficult decision to let go of a situation that was not fixable. We have to remember that money is only an object and we can’t take it with us when we leave this Planet on our final journey. It is just not worth the anguish it can cause on trying to get it back. Think of it as a spiritual lesson to teach us wisdom. That’s what I finally had to come to grips with after fighting a sibling for a million dollar inheritance. I was making myself physically sick from the anxiety and legal expenses trying to retrieve “what was due to me”. You know what, that sibling has had nothing but bad Karma because of her evil ways. On the other hand I have prospered…just let it go!!!
Very helpful.
I needed a reminder today that it can be good to let something go! Thank you, Peter!
I have been considering approaching the woman who destroyed my marriage to tell her I forgive her, but I don’t think she would even care. It has been 20 years, I’v remarried, but this still haunts me at times. I never knew why it happened. So havent done it, not sure if I need to let her know, maybe I should just keep forgiving over and over till it is really forgiven
Constant forgiveness… Thank you!