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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
[post_title] => Relationship Repair Step One: Attitude Adjustment
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Last week I wrote about forgiveness as the ultimate psychological cleanse. The emphasis of the article was on forgiving other people, because most of us have plenty of work to do in this area, and it’s pretty easy to identify the resentment we have toward others, whether it’s our parents, ex-lovers, and bosses, or more distant relations, like Dick Cheney and Monsanto. But I believe the massive submerged part of the resentment iceberg is all about ourselves.
In my opinion, whether we’re aware of it or not, we blame ourselves for everything about our life that isn’t the way we think it should be. Like I said, this portion of the iceberg is usually hidden, so I expect many people will disagree with me on this. I didn’t believe it until just a few years ago. Before then, I would have told you, I’m not someone who blames myself when things go wrong.
But through my meditation practice, I gradually discovered a wellspring of self-blame, shame, and guilt within myself. It’s not that these feelings just arose in me; I unearthed them. They’ve been there since childhood. And my sense is that they’re not just my feelings . . . they belong to all of us. The focus of this self-blame is so broad that I believe it’s simply an inevitable product of the way we socialize each other.
Probably, it stems from an early time in our lives when the people around us began to teach us about the world. There were so many words, labels, and behaviors to learn, and the goal of every lesson was to be right. When we named the color, or peed in the right place, or ate all our food, we did it right and got the reward of praise, love, and approval. And when we drew on the wall, or hit someone, or had the wrong answer, we didn’t get this reward. Maybe we even got disapproval or anger.
And since most of this positive and negative feedback came from our parents – the people responsible for our very survival – we naturally made being right one of our highest priorities. We became experts at being – or at least, appearing – right. Two important secondary behaviors developed from this training. First, we taught our subconscious to habitually identify wrong things – in us and in others – because it’s at least as important to know what’s wrong, and to avoid being wrong, as it is to be right. Second, we learned to internally preside over the judgment of our own behavior. By policing ourselves, scolding ourselves, and withholding approval from ourselves, we could get better at presenting only rightnessto the world.
As we moved into the school phase of life, this training became more rigorous. Our teachers and peers joined in on the process of critiquing us, and we began to see that certain things about us could be wrong that we never thought about controlling before – like the size of our body, or the color of our skin, or the way our hair looked. And if we were brought up in a sin-based religion, we were likely taught that, despite being “created in God’s image,” we had messed up really bad. All of this served to strengthen our internal critic.
But our self-criticism has been such a constant thing that many of us barely even notice it. Even in psychologically healthy folks, I’d guess that there are dozens of thoughts each day that go something like: “I’m not working fast enough,” “I should be thinner,” “There’s something wrong with me,” “I shouldn’t have said that,” “I should have done that differently,” “I should be better at . . .,” “I should be more accomplished at this age than I am,” “I’m a mediocre parent,” “Why am I so bad at making money?,” “I’m not doing anything impressive,” “I’m not very pretty,” “I screwed up my life,” and more. Self-blame thoughts like these make us less happy, and they cause us to withhold approval from ourselves, even if they don’t seem so bad. Even if we think, “But it’s true.”
Forgiveness – continual forgiveness, where we just let ourselves and the world BE however we are – is the means to liberation. There’s a line I love from A Course in Miracles: “God does not forgive because he has never condemned.” All the condemnation comes from within our own minds, and forgiveness is the ultimate cleanse.
I believe that a big part of our personal evolution is about letting more and more love into our lives. We can all have as much love as we want, but we restrict it from certain areas of our lives because we don't accept them or we think they should be different. So, there are these dark nooks and crannies in our consciousness where we haven't let the love in. The more of those we have, the less light, free, joyful, and spontaneous we feel. They're like sandbags weighing down our hot air balloon. And when we forgive, it's like cutting the strings.
When we start forgiving habitually, not only do we begin to experience a lightness and freedom that for many of us has been absent for decades, but we also begin to recognize just how powerful we are. Even if we’ve been exploring personal development or spirituality for a while, we’ve probably had an outlook that amounts to looking for and appreciating the goodness in each situation. Perhaps we’ve even come to realize that there’s a certain lightness to be found in every circumstance. But when we start living forgiveness, and we shed mountains of blame, a new understanding may emerge: we don’t need to find the goodness in every situation; we bring the goodness to every situation. You are the light of the world, as soon as you choose it.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
[post_title] => You Are the Light of the World
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Once upon a time, I was finishing an intake with a new patient and I semi-jokingly asked her, “Is there anything else I should know before I stick needles in you?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I don’t have a second chakra. An intuitive healer told me so.” I was living in Portland and I remember thinking this exchange would have been perfect for a scene in Portlandia.
But she seemed genuinely concerned about it. Imagine where your mind might go if someone you trusted told you, “Everyone has a set of vital energy centers. They’re thought to be instrumental to your health, happiness, expression, and spiritual growth. And you’re missing one of them.”
I was reminded of this conversation when a friend told me of a similar experience last week. She had taken her daughter to get a massage, and at the end of the treatment the therapist stated that he had picked up important information about the girl which he felt compelled to share. According to his intuition, her daughter had some significant internal and developmental health issues. However, he didn’t quite know what they were or what could be done about them.
I’ve been on the receiving end of similar comments myself. I once visited a Chinese massage therapist to see if he could help my tension headaches. After working on my back and neck, he felt my pulse and gave me a grave look as he spoke the only five English words of our session: “Your lungs are very weak.”
Another time, I bumped into a woman at a party who looked familiar. It turned out she was a cashier at a little organic co-op where I often picked up a morning snack. She said, “Hey, you’re that afraid guy!”
“Excuse me?” I said, feeling very confused.
“A bunch of us watch you come into the store and you barely say anything,” she explained. “We talk about how you’re too terrified to speak. We’re like, ‘Here’s the fear guy’ when you come in. What are you so afraid of?” She looked well-meaning but smug. The idea that I didn’t make more small talk because I was full of fear felt completely off the mark to me.
I recall not hiding my displeasure well and I said something like, “I’m flattered that you’re all so concerned, but I think you’ve misread me.” However, I couldn’t help thinking, Am I unknowingly giving off some kind of fearful vibe? – just as I also fretted, Is there something wrong with my lungs? My friend had a similar reaction. Despite having always thought of her kid as healthy and robust, she’s now wondering if she should get her specialized medical testing. And the woman I mentioned at the beginning was worried about the problems that might result from lacking a second chakra.
I think it’s great for people to develop and utilize their intuition, but I also think it’s important to practice what Buddhists call right speech or sammā-vācā. The scriptures of Hinduism, Buddhism, and other religions include instructions on when and how to speak in a way that contributes positively. These instructions can be pretty well summed up by three succinct questions that were taught by Rev. James Haldane Stewart (1778-1854) to be asked of oneself before speaking: Is it true? It is kind? Is it necessary?1
If the practitioners and cashier mentioned above had sincerely asked themselves the first question before sharing, they may have concluded that they didn’t really know for certain that their hunches were true. And then, no one would have heard anything about a missing chakra or weak lungs.2 However, they might have responded, “Well, it feels true to me,” which brings us to the next questions.
Is it kind? There’s a bit of personal discretion in determining what’s kind. When the intuitive healer decided to tell the woman she had no second chakra, perhaps he thought, “This is kind because it will enable her to get the help she needs,” or, “This is kind because she can understand herself better with this information.” However, without providing any solution or direction, it wasn’t kind – and that goes for all the other cases above, too.
Finally, is it necessary? Does the other person need to know what we might say? One could argue that all sorts of harmful communications are necessary, but if we’re really honest with ourselves about this criterion, most are not.
Of the three questions, this one could be unnecessarily restrictive if we were to apply it robotically. Of course, it’s not necessary to deliver a compliment or to express one’s awe at the beauty of the snow, so this leads us to a fourth useful question (of unknown origin, but often attributed to Indian holy man Shirdi Sai Baba): Does it improve upon the silence? Again, it’s a matter of personal opinion, but if we were to consider before opening our mouth, “Is this likely to degrade or enhance the atmosphere?” it’s not too difficult to predict.
For people who are reasonably self-aware, there’s a single question that gets to the root of all four of the above. Before you say something that’s likely to have an impact on another: what is your purpose?
Is your purpose to help? To cause pain? To impress? To prove something? To provoke conflict? To connect? To love? I would guess that part of the purpose – if not the sole purpose – behind all the questionable communications discussed above was to appear magical or unusually insightful in order to gain power, respect, or approval.
I’ve focused on these cases because of how often I’ve encountered people who seem to believe that having a feeling about someone means their interpretation is true and must be shared. But of course, these aren’t the only kinds of communications that are made for less-than-noble purposes.
In looking at my own poor communications, I’ve realized that my most common offense is to crack jokes that aren’t funny or appropriate. My purpose has been mainly to generate warmth between me and the other person (usually my wife) or to bring lightness to the atmosphere. When I’ve failed at this purpose, it’s often been because I was actually serving a secret, ulterior purpose: to make myself feel comfortable. When I’m committed to a purpose of fostering warmth and lightness, it goes differently. There may still be jokes – eventually – but I have to begin with a willingness to be totally present for the other person – even if it’s uncomfortable.
I encourage you to try this over the coming week:
- Bring more attention to the things you say to others. Just notice your words and the energy behind them.
- Try to perceive the impact your words have. These first two steps can teach you SO much.
- See if you can pause before you speak – even if just for one second. In this space there’s a moment to align yourself – a moment to make sure the words match your true intention. You could ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” or the simpler “What is my purpose?” But even if you forget to do this, try to still practice step 2 – perceive the impact of your words. If it’s not a favorable impact, you can still ask yourself if your words were true, kind, and necessary, and you can retrospectively figure out what purpose you were serving by speaking as you did.
If you’re on the receiving end of a communication that feels unproductive (or worse), you can try asking, “What’s your purpose?” Not everyone can receive that question and give you a heartfelt response, but it can serve as an opening to a more authentic exchange (which should also include being responsible for your own feelings and interpretations).
As I tried to express earlier in this article, sometimes we can allow others’ perceptions of us to affect us even if they have no qualifications and even if we don’t really care what they think. A simple statement like, “Are you feeling run down?” or “You seem to be carrying around a lot of anger,” can get your mind spinning and cause you to feel something’s wrong.
Remind yourself that people project their feelings on each other all the time and people are simply wrong a lot. If someone is intuitive enough to pick up something really important, hopefully they’re also intuitive enough to recognize how it would affect you to tell you this information.
Finally, when someone tells you something about yourself, it’s useful to run it through your own intuition. Does it feel true to you? If you have trouble accessing your intuition, I recommend you join my wife’s group, Love Rising. She helps people develop this faculty.
In this age of “fake news,” social media, and presidential communications being made via Twitter, it’s more vital than ever that we practice discernment with what’s coming in and we become clear about our intentions before we speak.
Be well,
Dr. Peter Borten
_____________
- These three questions have also been (probably erroneously) attributed to Rumi, Buddha, Socrates, Shirdi Sai Baba, and others – though this attribution is apparently because these teachers all had similar things to say about right speech. I haven’t been able to find proof that anyone but Stewart asked these questions in these exact words.
2. The question Is it true? can be asked on different levels. In an absolute sense, it could be argued that it’s impossible to know anything objective for certain (see The Work of Byron Katie, John Locke, etc.). This would cause one to always answer “no” to the question of truth, and to hence refrain from ever speaking again. I believe Stewart meant it in an everyday way – i.e., would most reasonable and kind people agree that it’s true? – and I think that’s sufficient for most cases.
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When I’m counseling clients with marital challenges, my orientation is to always try to save the relationship. Especially if the individuals are interested in growing, becoming more self-aware, and healing old wounds and patterns of dysfunction, there’s nothing like an intimate relationship to facilitate that process. Some of the main recurring themes of our conversations are commitment, intention, and integrity.
I don't mean to provoke blame or shame when I point out that nearly every relationship that ends in divorce begins with two sane and sober people making lifelong promises to each other in front of a room full of loving witnesses. Whether we realize it or not, I believe the essence of what most couples are vowing is, “I’m going to do whatever it takes to make this a healthy relationship.” Over time, we may forget our promise or rationalize breaking it because we’re not happy, we and our circumstances have changed, or the other person is annoying and smelly.
Of course, many people enter such a contract without giving it much thought. They feel in love and assume that feeling is enough. They don’t sincerely consider the inevitability of change, hardship, and annoyance. If only we could impress upon engaged couples how important it is to be completely present in this act of commitment. Forever means forever.
Yes, there are times when it’s best to part ways – especially when there’s abuse or when your partner has withdrawn and has no interest in maintaining the relationship – but most of the cases I see are salvageable; the primary issue is one of attitude. If both parties can recognize and honor the commitment they made, both parties want to save and improve the relationship, and both parties are willing to work at it, the relationship will likely survive and be all the stronger. Further, both people will inevitably grow through the process.
While it may require role modifications, improving communication, prioritizing intimacy, and other outward changes, an important starting point is being real with oneself about one’s commitment. Lifelong commitment implies not entertaining the idea of leaving unless all options for achieving a healthy relationship have been exhausted. But frequently we do think about exiting the relationship when it’s not to our liking, sometimes before we’ve tried much to improve the situation, and this can be a form of sabotage. Even if our partner doesn’t know we’re doing it, when we’re thinking this way – i.e., “I could end it” – we subtly withdraw, and the relationship suffers from it. We’re no longer all-in. The degradation can easily snowball.
When even one member of a relationship is all-in, the chances of success are good. Of course, it’s not healthy or sufficient if one person is consistently all-in and the other is chronically disengaged, but if there’s a loving recognition that the other party’s ability to participate waxes and wanes as they grapple with their own “stuff,” and we don’t take it personally, periods of imbalance are easier to repair. If, on the other hand, we respond to a partner’s deficit of engagement by pulling out in equal measure, we’re acting against the health of the relationship and our own best interests.
In truth, the staying together part is only the most superficial aspect of our commitment. I’m sure you’ve seen unhealthy relationships that were clearly causing both members to suffer, but they seemed to feel there was merit in sticking it out, even if they weren’t actively working to heal it. So, what did we actually commit to? Even if you never put words to it, it’s still possible to do so retroactively.
Whether you’re married, in a committed non-married relationship, or single but interested in a deep relationship, I encourage you to think and write about what kinds of qualities you’re committed to. If you’re currently in a relationship, what kind of attitude do you aim to have toward the relationship and your partner? What conditions tend to degrade your attitude? What helps to strengthen your commitment to show up fully and positively? We’ll explore this more next week.
Be well,
Peter
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[query_vars_hash:WP_Query:private] => ba248302afbdae67be3e15aaf1fd0e13
[query_vars_changed:WP_Query:private] =>
[thumbnails_cached] =>
[allow_query_attachment_by_filename:protected] =>
[stopwords:WP_Query:private] =>
[compat_fields:WP_Query:private] => Array
(
[0] => query_vars_hash
[1] => query_vars_changed
)
[compat_methods:WP_Query:private] => Array
(
[0] => init_query_flags
[1] => parse_tax_query
)
)